TAMS Submission

 

The Master of Wine program is "self study".  This means that I wake up, walk the dogs and try to secure a study room in my local library to just grind away on the theory portion of the exam.  To be clear, when I got accepted into the Master of Wine program a few years ago, I was WOEFULLY underprepared for the amount of nuts and bolts winemaking knowledge I needed to have already internalized.  You might be surprised to know that I know a little bit less about fermentation chemistry and the impact of enzyme additions to must then someone that has done it for a career for the last 15+ years and got a master's degree in it.  I'm slowly connecting all the dots, but I'm basically sitting at a first semester sophomore undergrad level.  Depending on what question I get asked in an exam I can vary between "sorta fucked" and "fucking fucked".  I'm picking shit up now though whereas I am like "Ohhhh they do that because the fruit was sorta fucked up and then they can filter some of that shit out later and maybe blend it or something".  That's enough to be dangerous.  I just have to get the lingo down.

The real obstacle is the theory portion of the exam (the essays) is they want you to respond like you have attended a English education system university.  Sure, when you enroll in the program you hear a lot about "you answer it in the way that works for you, we just want it communicated clearly".  That's not really true.  I spent two years getting essay assignments getting kicked back with marvelously cruel comments because I was writing "too journalistically".  Well, no shit Sherlock, I've have a background of 30 years in media.  Of course I write like a journalist.  Now we can debate if writing journalistically (i.e. showing understanding in a way that reads easily and pleasurably) is bad, but it would have saved me a lot of time if from the outset someone had just said "Listen, you need to pretend you're trying to write a good essay for that teacher in Pink Floyd's "The Wall" who has a first instinct to hit you with a stick if he doesn't like what you're saying and then afterwards taking away your "pudding".  

The Brits don't have much of an Empire left, but they will protect their hold on the wine world with their last dying breath.  I think Drinks Business, a UK based wine business newsletter, just did a story about how London was the biggest, most important wine city in the world.  Whatever man.  The United States is the #1 country in the world for wine revenue at about $60B and the UK (as in UK, not England) is 5th at $22.5B.  It is important to remember that the person writing that article went to the same schools as every other person in the UK wine trade.  If all of your peer group is into it, that means EVERYONE is into it.  The old school tie thing is real over there.  I guess the US version is talking about either how you "worked harvest at X Napa winery" or "opened Y tattooed attitude wine bar in Brooklyn".  Now I'm not saying all the Brits are a pain in the ass.  In fact, I've got quite a few pals in the program from the UK, but you'll have more fun with the French/Germans/Australians/Spanish/Italians/ and don't forget my main man from Singapore.  But if you want to pass that theory exam, you're best off pretending you are a English schoolboy.

Every month I send a theory essay exam off to get graded.  I had a light bulb that dimly flickered on a few months back where I decided to stop trying to write like I write and instead try to mimic what this English school text book I bought told me to do.  This has helped me greatly.  I have raised my grades slightly on these technical minded essays but I'm still "below threshold".  I'll admit that I often feel deflated by the tone of the comments.  It's probably a cultural disconnect, but usually when I scan the response back the first time I'll think "What the fuck Bro?".  When I read it a second time and give it a second, it's usually not as jarring as the first read through.  I think of when I give Melissa a hard time when she says something I take as being snotty to me and she says, "But I'm not snotty!  That's just how I sound!  I'm English!".  Hey, as far as I know the person grading it is from Philly.  It's just a prejudice for me at this point.  I still have three months to learn a lifetime of science and more importantly how to regurgitate that back like my name is Nigel Puffington of Greensworth On Trent.  I've gone this far.  I'll just keep grinding.     

I just sent off another one of those essays.  It's a straight up winemaking one, so I'm a little shaky on my confidence level on some of the finer points.  I won't get it back graded for a number of weeks, and it will be my last one back before the exam.  I am really hoping I get a shot in the arm of "MW Pass" or "High Pass" as opposed to "Below Threshold".  If I don't pass that, I'll make sure and let you know if I get any especially brutal comments like on my first one ever where the one grading it wrote "What are you going on about?".  Ouch.  Essay sent.  Now we wait.