No, I'm Not A Sommelier

 

 

I was asked quite often during the holidays about this MW quest.  The problem is often clearing up that it has nothing to do with being a sommelier, or as is generally called a "somma... sohmah.. summa..." by folks that ask me about it that suddenly realize they cannot pronounce "suh-muhl-YAY" until they are a couple of syllables deep.  Simply, I am not a sommelier because I am not involved with the service aspect of wine.  I could be a tad more snarky and say I also don't preen around in designer sport coats with Italian suede shoes adorned with crests on a restaurant floor like Mr. Big City Sommelier.  I don't know how the worst offenders do that Somm Guy Thing.  I've seen some of this crowd in Chicago.  How can you act like a diva while trying to ignore the fact that you're just opening bottles of Caymus Cabernet for people priced at 300% retail?  Who has the energy to pretentiously look down your nose because the customer base didn't order the Slovenian orange wine?  Look, when you selected that for the wine list, you knew that nobody likes it and it will die of neglect on the last page of the menu.  YOU KNEW THIS!  The Slovenian orange winemaker himself is probably a little uninterested in that wine at this point.  Somm Guy...  You're just pouring wine buddy.  You didn't even make it.  Chill out with the pretense.  And get out of those suede shoes.  It rains a lot in Chicago.

If the luxury dining world sommelier is a 1970s prog rock band like Yes, then the Master of Wine is like Pavement back when they toured in a van.  The MW student thing is you're a little too smart for your own good, got that record store clerk ego, and you are maybe are a bit too cliquey.  Somms walk around in capes like early Genesis and a lot of the MW crowd dresses like they are roadies for Mt. Joy.  It really reminds me of different music scenes that play the same club circuit.  Somms are very focused on remembering arcane rules and specific wine brands, and I have a hard time remembering (or caring) who the "hot" producer is that is emerging in whatever region everyone is breathless over at the moment.  That shit changes so fast and is so tied to fashion I find it exhausting.  These Somm guys think I'm a joke because I can't recall who the hot shit producer is in Marsannay off the top of my head.  (I think it's Sylvain Pataille by the way...)   "Hey, see that guy over there trying to pass the MW?  He's never even tried Sylvain Pataille's Bourgogne Aligoté Les Auvonnes au Pépé! Ha! Ha! Ha!"  

Dude, I'm not even sure how to pronounce it.      

The most common question I get from long term friends is "How many more tests do you have on this?".  Let's be honest here.  I have been obsessively focused on each step on the test ladder and unless you are in it as well, it's hard to give a fuck.  It is easy to forget that it's just wine.  I'm stressed out of my mind that I won't be able to identify an Alto Adige pinot gris blind and almost no one I come in contact with knows or cares what that even is.  Then a few months later I triumphantly announce, "I passed the exam I was stressed out about" and people assume, "Thank God he's done with that so he will talk about something else.  Maybe he will get into something else super interesting to drone on about like woodworking or triathalons".  Ah-ha!  Surprise!  I'm not done yet!

The last exam awaits, and then that's it.  The problem is, it's a doozy.  It's 36 blind wines over three days and four days of essays covering viticulture, winemaking, bottling and shipping protocols, global wine business, and a mixed bag area where they might ask something like "Can any wine really be considered "good"?".  Obviously my issue is I don't ship massive flexitanks of bulk wine in ocean cargo ships, so it's hard to have a concrete grasp on the details of that.  And I have read about getting truckloads of mildew laden grapes into a winery and what you should do, but I've never done it, so it becomes "sprinkle the magic powder on it and do something in the vat" which isn't an answer that impresses anyone grading these exams.  I've got a long way to go before I reach anything in the general neighborhood of "confidence" with those technical essays.

The tasting exam is all about getting as many at bats as I can, tasting classic wine regions, and hope I'm "seeing the ball well" when the exam rolls around.  If you've ever played baseball, you know how some days the sport is really easy because the ball looks like a beachball and it is floating in real slow?  Then there are other days when it's like a bumblebee on speed and you've got salt in your eyes.  I'm hoping for the former on the tasting days and not the latter.  When I took the last tasting exam it seemed very easy.  I thought I knew what it was on first inspection, and then my sip of the wine confirmed it.  I was in full "see ball, hit ball" mode.  I need to somehow duplicate that.  The problem is I'm not sure how I arrived at that point.  I am becoming increasingly suspicious that passing the exam is really about being loose and just letting it rip.  Everyone in this MW program is a good taster.  Most appear to be better than I am, but then again most people only read their answers out loud in the seminars when they got it right.  Still, all evidence suggests that if you are in the room, you are potentially good enough to pass the test.  And I'm in the room.

I am getting ready to go to the annual seminar in Pfalz Germany.  I will spend a week doing blind tasting exams in the morning, discuss our answers in a group setting (in case you thought you were done with cold sweats in classrooms) and then talk about wine shit all afternoon.  I am hoping for very precise German presentations of technical data as I blankly look on and try to absorb it.  There is nothing a German enjoys more than data, except perhaps cake.  They love their cakes over there.  If you walk around a city center, there will be 11 bakeries serving up slices of pastries and somehow everyone is slimmer than everyone in the United States.  I don't know how they do it.  Maybe it's that they don't wash down their cake with a 32 oz Monster Baja Blast Energy Drink with 2300 calories.  I don't know.  I'll see if I can get some answers.